I'll never forget the look of horror on that British face when upon being introduced to a young man many years ago I hugged him and kissed him on both cheeks!
I had been living in Spain, where NOT kissing someone on first meeting is considered rude. That was a cultural etiquette fail.
Nothing but a friendly kiss
Cultural etiquette is what you call the codes of behavior that rule different cultures - in other words, what's acceptable and what isn't in a society.
But before you can delve into culture you first have to learn about you. Consider these questions.
- Who are you and what are you bringing to a situation?
- What are your own values and assumptions?
- What are you comfortable with?
- How do you feel men should treat you?
- What are your limits when it comes to personal space?
- Do you tend to make eye contact when you talk to people?
- Are you punctual?
- Do you use your hands a lot when you talk?
- Do you always say what you mean?
How you answer these and similar questions about yourself will dictate how you react to situations around you.
Etiquette can be tricky and falling afoul of it can ruin a trip or worse, insult the very people you have traveled so far to meet.
The way the world sees you
Take solo travel. Not all cultures think it's normal for women to travel alone, so we have learned to adjust.
As I traveled across Africa by myself the most common comment I heard was, "I'm sorry."
In other societies, women on their own may be considered fair game: if you're traveling alone, you must be 'easy'. Otherwise you would have a husband and he certainly wouldn't 'allow' you to travel solo.
Remember, some people, especially in remote societies, only know Western women from television; for all you know they may think Desperate Housewives is everyday life in the USA!
Galling as it may be to our independent Western souls, understanding cultural differences can help unravel these travel challenges and reduce your heart rate whenever people are consistently late, whistle as you walk by, or refuse to look you in the eye.
A beautiful, endearing kiss or public affection in Paris won't be culturally acceptable in many other parts of the world
What kinds of behaviors constitute cultural etiquette?
I travel a lot and I'm used to encountering customs that don't work for me.
Whether you're heading around the world or simply visiting a new country for the first time, coping with culture shock is bound to be part of your experience.
You might discover that...
- In certain male-dominated societies, looking a man in the eye or trying to interact as an equal can get you into trouble.
- In Buddhist countries, you shouldn't touch a monk. On a bus or in a vehicle, try to sit in the row in front or behind him. So I was a bit taken aback in northern Thailand when I had to ride a pickup truck with a monk, both of us scrunched into the front seat. I assumed exceptions would be made if there was no other way.
- In many Latin American countries and around the Mediterranean, you'll face unwanted male attention - it is 'theoretically' meant as appreciation of your beauty (or simply of your being female) yet for many Western women, this can be quite distasteful or downright scary. Get ready to cope with wolf whistles, catcalls, lewd noises... and understand that in most cases, however unpleasant, they aren't threatening - though that doesn't mean they're all right.
- Showing anger (most Asian countries) or yelling at people (much of Africa) will get you absolutely nowhere - much the opposite.
- Many cultures don't like saying No - so people will say they'll try (India) or maybe (Japan) or tomorrow (Spain and Mexico) - don't be misled: this means No. Not now. Never.
Gestures can mean different things in different cultures
Cultural etiquette may deal with serious issues, such as gender inequality or stereotypes, or with simpler everyday situations, whose rules may leave you perplexed.
- each person that walks into a room shakes hands with every single person (Colombia) or kisses everyone (Spain)
- strangers call you by your first name in business settings, even if they've never met you (South Africa)
- people think you're rude if you point towards someone (almost everywhere)
- you're invited to a sauna but first asked to take all your clothes off - in front of men and women you've never met before (Finland)
- people stare if you cut your salad with a knife (Switzerland and France)...
See how easy it could be to offend or be offended?
How far should your cultural acceptance go?
The big question is what to do about cultural differences, some of which I've written about elsewhere.
You have choices, but each has benefits and costs.
- You can ignore cultural differences altogether and just be yourself wherever you go. There is a feel-good factor about being true to yourself and behaving with integrity. There is also the knock-on effect of other cultures being exposed to YOU, just as you are. But be aware that your behavior might be insulting to the receiving culture. If it's polite to burp in the Middle East when a meal is good, you might not appreciate it at your own dinner table. Your Middle Eastern guest is just - you guessed it - being polite. Standards and norms differ.
- You can try to understand the differences and meet people part-way. Without compromising too much of yourself, you could accommodate local people to whatever extent you feel comfortable. For example I wore a wedding band across Africa: it just made people more comfortable around me (and lessened the harassment factor). As a solo traveler I would otherwise have been kept at much more of a distance. I also wear a headscarf into a mosque, just as I cover my head in a church. Your own personal comfort zone will dictate how far you can go without compromising yourself.
- You can adopt the local culture as your own, and 'go native'. Most travelers don't feel comfortable with this but if you're going to live long-term in a different culture, you might consider whether it's worth adapting for the sake of belonging or fitting in. Again, this is a highly personal choice and there is no right or wrong.
Here's how I deal with cultural etiquette...
I start by researching the culture before I go, and then I tend to mix it up.
I try to be myself whenever I can, but where the situation demands it, I act in a culturally appropriate way. This is made a lot easier by my own background: born in Paris, brought up in Spain, studied in Canada, lived in Switzerland and France, had a Turkish father - this jumble of religions and cultures has helped make me adaptable. The Canadian in me shows up on time, the Spaniard in me kisses everyone in sight, and the Turk in me invites people I don't even know to visit.
Bottom line: I compromise on the
But I won't compromise on the intrinsic ones which deal with discrimination and fundamental rights. If your culture treats women as inferior beings, I won't play that game. Chances are I might give your country a miss. If I have to visit, I will insist on being treated equally. After all, cultural etiquette works both ways.
What about you? How do you feel about cultural etiquette and adapting to the culture you are visiting? I'd love to hear in the comments below.